Worthlessness

16 06 2008

I got back from Tennessee today.  As unbearable as it was for the five+ years I lived there, it can be rather beautiful.  If you’re on the inside looking out.  With plenty of air conditioning.

Well, let me get to the root of this post.  Get it over with more like.  So, after a couple weeks of awaiting the Team Twilighter results, they were posted Saturday.  I had already told myself not to expect anything.  There were honestly some great people who also auditioned.  I stayed with my grandmother who lives in probably the most remote area of town.  The only way I could get Internet was on my phone by sticking it on the corner of her window and letting the page load for a good ten minutes.  Finally, it was posted.  And when my name wasn’t on the list, not even the monthly correspondents, I felt…  well, not great.  I mean it’s pretty stupid of me to be upset over a YouTube channel, but I was genuinely upset and still feel a bit of a pang when I think on it.

All the girls[/guy] who were chosen deserved to be picked.  I really don’t mean to sound like a sore loser.  But I am the loser.  And that’s really difficult for me.  Well, no one likes losing, duh.  But I’ve been pretty fortunate so far in my life to not experience “loser” too often.

College has been a topic of conversation lately.  Whenever I tell my mom my alternative to New York City is to apply on the west coast, she gets all choked up.  That happened in the car ride home today.  And it ended up turning into I need a back up school I know I can get into in case too many other reasonably intelligent people get my spot in all the big schools I want to attend.  So, in addition to feeling unwanted/unappreciated on the Internet (to which I think, why can’t I just be satisfied with my physical life?!) I now get to obsess over not getting the luck of the draw with college admission.  Fan-fricken-tastic.

Unfortunately, I’ve always been one to compare myself to others.  To the point where it has just become a part of me.  I really wish I was one of those people who could care less.  But I do care.  So, I get worked up over all this and my perfectionist tendencies and BAH!

YOU KNOW, I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!  I make the effort to care about others.  I have a job.  I moved this year to a new state, new school.  A new school that made my old one look like the joke it was.  I worked hard this year.  My report card?  I had all A+s and one A.  I earned those grades.  I deserve to get into a good school.  But you know, if I don’t.  I can’t control that.  And I’ll be a right mess for a while, but not forever.

I don’t even know what I’m doing.  Am I trying to cheer myself up?  Am I trying to beat myself up?  Whatever.  I did get to spend sometime with my old best friend Danielle on this visit.  We watched three movies in one evening.  Across the Universe, Sweeney Todd, and Becoming Jane.  I really liked them all.  Sure, in Sweeney I had to keep a pillow handy at all times to shield my eyes from the spurting blood, but the music was fantastic.  As I typed this I was listening to the soundtrack and “Bye the Sea” came on.  Along with the mental image of Johnny in his bathing suit.  Which was great.  And it brightened me up.  I’ve included it for your enjoyment as well.  Geeze, Bellatrix has some pipes on her.

Side Note:  All that movie watching made me come to this realization – I’m a sucker for Brits with long hair.  Slobber.  If he is questionable, vocal ability is the tie breaker.  Haha, Snape.  Gosh, so many Potter actors in Sweeney Todd!  Love it!

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2 responses

16 06 2008
Matt

awww, you’ll be ok. Just be positive and focus on what you love to do, instead of comparing yourself to others, because reality is that we are all one.. no-one is better than anyone else just because someone is smarter than someone else. With those grades im sure you will go far!

21 06 2008
Amanda

By Brits with long hair are you specifically chatting about the young one? Because in Teen Vogue he said he wanted to be young Voldemort, but, alas! He was not.
And Marion-
You can be so ridiculous sometimes! Of freaking course you’ll get into whatever school you want. Crazily motivated people like you always do!

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