In Which I Don’t Know

3 02 2010

Hello.  I need a cookie.  Multiple ones, I’m thinking.

Do you ever have those times when you feel like something bad has happened or is going to happen, but you’re not exactly upset about it?  Whether it just hasn’t concretely come to pass yet or it surprisingly doesn’t affect you as much as you expected it to?  It’s a weird taste you get in your mouth.  Your head can’t settle on being upset or being pleased you’re fine.  I’m in this limbo.  I don’t think it helped that I just watched the premiere of LOST, either.  That show never quite ends on an upper.

I think there are some schools that I’m not going to get in to.  And I do that thing where I tell myself that I probably won’t, but subconsciously I still think I will and I start putting eggs in woven things.  I think having been rejected from some theatre roles will help me cope.  But I still have this high-and-mighty part that’s going to be knocked off the pony.  Very soon.

But writing this out, I almost feel better.  Sometimes you have to put these things in perspective.  It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get in everywhere.  Because I’m better off going to a school who is interested in me.  If they’re not, so what.  Regardless of where I end up next fall, I’m not going to stop pursuing what I want.  It’s not even the whole “oh I’m gonna show them” mentality.  It’s more, my life doesn’t revolve around what schools reject me.  As long as I have my few close friends [you know who you are] and I still get sickeningly exhilarated on stage and my hands still sweat when I edit, I going to be good.  Really, I am.

I say all this because I feel like what I’ve been working toward my entire life is coming to fruition within the next month.  I don’t think I’ve really considered until now how incredible the “after” is going to be.

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6 responses

4 02 2010
Austin

Ha, funny that you talk about these things, because I just had a pretty heavy relationship with some friends tonight in relationship to some of the things you’re talking about.

But to you’re “my whole life has been building to this,” you aren’t giving yourself enough credit. Lifes only just beginning, every point in time is just another beginning. As little sense as that makes.

And writing makes things better always. It’s why I just bought a journal.

4 02 2010
Alyson

I totally did the whole “I’m not going to get in,” but secretly wishing/hoping/thinking I would get in. And, I can tell you that of the 6 schools I applied to I only got into half. And of that 3 I got into, 2 were safety schools. So, I ended up here by default because it was the only school I was accepted to that wasn’t a safety (although I was seriously debating between here and one of the safeties).

Either way the things play out, it’ll be fine and you’ll make the best of it and you’ll have a fantastic time of it. Good luck!

5 02 2010
hfm

best of luck with the applications.
🙂

5 02 2010
thebrookereview

First, I’m really glad to see a new blog entry!

Anyway, with school, I really do agree with the mentality that everything happens for a reason so wherever you end up I think you’ll do great and be able to pursue your dreams (yeah, that sounds corny I know).

That being said, I can’t wait for the “after” either because a lot of stress has accumulated for me too since I applied.

Keep writing! It’s an amazing outlet to get your emotions out and makes the situation seem less daunting.

6 02 2010
Michelle

A new blog entry – hurrah! Before I finished school in November, I was sickeningly excited about the “after”. Now I’m there! And it’s worth the struggle. It feels like I am now commencing The Rest of My Life. Good luck with the whole tiring process and all the day-counting. Soon you’ll be here too. ❤

– Michelle (one of the Australian readers)

8 02 2010
LP

I’m not qualified to give advice of how to cope with such limbo you’re in 🙂 but maybe it’s just that you think too much about the future. “Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” (quoting 🙂 ).

You’re right about you should go to school that’s take interest in you. Maybe you thought you could be happier at different school or you could do better. I made the same judgement once, certain that I’m in the wrong boat. But in the end, I realize my school is exactly where I ought to be. So don’t worry much, whatever school you choose to go, you won’t be wrong :D.

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