Heavy Boots & Hunger Pangs

2 05 2010

So I had planned on coming here today and writing about prom.  And instead I just got really sad all of a sudden.  I haven’t felt this sad in a while.  At least I know where it’s coming from.  Indiscriminate sadness is the worst.  I just feel overwhelmed and scared.  The end is near.  High school is gone, man.  I’m not going back.  I’m done.  I can’t even fail my way back.  Which I suppose is a good thing.

Endings give me heavy boots.  I never quite know what to do with myself.  It’s like some weird limbo phase I’m in.  And my life has gotten so weird — a bug just flew by and now I’m going to be paranoid for the rest of this post — with this boy that has waltzed his way into my existence.  Marion doesn’t do the boy stuff, folks.  Or if she ever did it was all super-internalized and never reciprocated.  But apparently she does the boy stuff now.  And that adds a layer to the weird.

I’m moving to Los Angeles in August.  What the hell.  I can’t reify that as of yet.  I’m going to major in Film Production.  What if I’ve lost my passion and my drive?  What if I see all these bright-eyed kids with passion and drive and I feel inadequate–or comparatively stoic?  What if I hate them all?  What if I feel like the odd one out?  I have severe anxiety about my ability to be happy.  And I’m afraid much of it stems from not knowing what I want.  I just have this terrible mental scenario of me being completely closed off and miserable.  I shouldn’t be this stressed about uni, but I am.  I wish I was excited instead of–dare I say–dreadful.

That’s what bothering me.  And money of course, but I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of blocking that out for the time being.

Remember that time I was going to talk about prom?

Advertisements

Actions

Information

6 responses

3 05 2010
James

Change is always fearful – always a leap into a new unknown. Will I do well; will I be happy?

Who can say – but the flowers are bright a puppy’s joy at play a gift.

In a hundred years we are but dust so perhaps just live for the day – it may be bitter but there can always be beauty if we choose to look.

Consider the boy part of the adventure – be daring – venture greatly for life is always sweet even with the bitter

3 05 2010
You can do it! :]

Just remember that there is a reason that school accepted you. You have talent. You have the drive. You just need to trust yourself. :]

But seriously, kudos to you. :]
You have the guts to go for what you really want, and that’s pretty amazing. I’ve always wanted to go into film, but I have so many doubts and money worries, that I decided to stay instate and becoming a bio major. (which is my second “want.”)

And about all the other bright-eyed kids; they’re probably thinking the same exact thing about you.

3 05 2010
Robyn

Wow, LA, that’s a big move – very exciting and anxiety inducing, understandably.

It’s weird, because even though I barely know you (just through watching your Youtube videos, following your tweets, and checking your blog now and then) I feel like my life is mirroring yours, with the boy thing and, unfortunately, the car accident.

Anyway, have fun at prom.

4 05 2010
zaphodfreek

Just remember,
cynicism is sexy.

10 05 2010
Jack

I’m moving away to uni this year too, and yeah, I’m going to a big scary city, and I’m a little bit apprehensive of clashing with irritating wunderkinds as well. The only advice I can give you is just to throw yourself into it. Worrying will get you exactly nowhere. Forget your anxieties and focus on this: you’re going on the biggest adventure of your life – you’re moving to college to chase your dream. All the abstract stuff works both ways, too – what if it’s all good? What if you make a ton of friends on your first day? What if LA is mind-bogglingly awesome? All you can do is wait for the day you hit campus and take it from there.

11 05 2010
genevieve

I feel the same way! I’m moving to San Francisco for college in the fall and majoring in studio art. And similar to you, I’m afraid that the other student’s talent and drive will somehow alienate little me and shun me to the corner :/

but honestly from what I’ve seen of your work on youtube, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s