Reminder [for me]

27 07 2010

I am not you.  I’m never going to be you.  I am myself.  I’m only ever going to be myself.  I know I tend to think otherwise, but I could never be happy being you because I would never be me.


New Things

21 07 2010

Would you like to know what my summer has primarily consisted of?  Apart from ending sentences with prepositions, I usually sleep in, don’t bother getting dressed [and a lot of the time not showering as well, yes “ew”], sit in my room with my bathrobe on, and putz around the internet.  You can kill time surprisingly quickly on the internet.  Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, Google Reader, email, YouTube, Dailybooth, and repeat.  I’ve been making lists for what I need to buy for uni this fall, updating my Urban Outfitters wishlist.  All the while, I try not to overeat.  Because I’m bad about eating because there is nothing else to do.  The only days I leave the house is when I have to work [about 3-4 days a week] or when I make plans with someone [about once a week].

Today I tried to be a bit better.  I showered, first of all.  Then I listened to all the This American Life episodes that had built up in my iTunes and now I’m working on sermons posted by my old unitarian church in Memphis.  Where the reverend reminded me so much of Albus Dumbledore.  With the audio in the background, I’ve gotten out a sketchbook I bought years ago, but never used, and drew my dorm room, blueprint style.  Then I plan to do a design version and a wall version so I can get a sense of how I want to arrange my magazine pages and posters.

And there’s still stuff I should be doing, and I am avoiding it and I wish I knew why.  I have a video to edit and post.  Like proooooonto, must do that today.  But I’ve also got some new video ideas, and I just haven’t been able to bring myself to produce them.  I come up with every excuse in the book:  Dad is right in the room next door / he’ll hear you talking to yourself [see, I should be WAY over that kinda thing by now, but I’m actually NOT], I’m too lazy, I haven’t showered / my hair looks like crap.  And it goes on and on.  It makes me sad.  I also need to start assessing what I’m going to be taking from my room to Los Angeles.  Which means I need to start cleaning.  And I’m a small-scale pack rat, so imagine the fun that brings out.

Pretty much what I want to do today is catch up on these sermons, continue sketching, google image search how I want to dye my hair [I’m thinking red], and order a veggie pizza for dinner.

But you, yes, you, were here for the new things.  I have had a couple firsts in the past month that I felt I should share with you.


  • flight to LAX
  • time using a GPS car system — Mom and I wouldn’t have made it to our hotel without it
  • Chipotle burrito — & I wasn’t that impressed.  Don’t get the hype.  Bajio’s rice is better, imo.

Workin’ for the weekend.

29 06 2010

Hi-low!  Atonement over there in the dooblydoo?  Yeah, that’s a lie.  I’m not really reading that right now.  I think I only put a bookmark in it.

I’m working about four days a week this summer.  Which is a lot for me.  I’ve been there for over two years, actually.  Cashiering in a supermarket.  Oh, the fun times, let me tell you.  I dread going to work, quite honestly.  I really hate it when they put me on express.  You know, the fifteen-items-or-less lane?  Because no matter how many lanes behind me are open with cashiers and baggers waiting, they insist on coming to me.  Where I have to bag everything myself.  And it would have been so much faster if they had taken three more steps down a ways to someone on a big lane.  Whenever I get put on express, I tell myself I’m getting back at my manager by pushing paper bags.  I think we’re supposed to offer plastic first because it is cheaper for the company.  But I always ask, “Is paper okay?”  Stickin’ it to the man.

I dread going to work because I’m an anxious person.  Have been since second grade.  The social unknown freaks me out.  Before I get there at least.  I remember when I first started working I was so scared of customers and messing up something.  I got comments on how super cheery and smiley I was.  That was how I masked the anxiety–channeling season 1 Rory Gilmore.  I still get all hot and bothered when a cute boy comes in my lane.  Or a hot, cheery dad.  So embarrassing.  It’s not difficult to tell either since I blush like a mofo.

But working there has helped me so much, too.  I’m so much less nervous than I was.  I’ve lost the fake-y chipper card, too.  I wouldn’t say I’m sullen; I’m just a chill cashier who will reciprocate her customers’ attitude.

There are good parts to my job.  I like it when a customer has sweaty hands.  Makes me feel less bad for myself.  Because my hands used to 24/7 and it sucked.  They still nasty up when I’m anxious or anticipating something that makes me nervous.  Really awesome when you’re with guys -_-

A boatload of British people flock to my town in the summertime [wtf right, no idea] so the accents are always a pleasant surprise.  And you can tell when they examine the coins while the count out their change.  There are also the adorable old geezers who have to be pushing 90.  Who, come to think of it, probably shouldn’t be allowed on the roads anymore.  I love giving back 41 cents change because it’s one of each coin:  quarter, dime, nickel, penny.

Some of the more expensive booze have these security cap things that have to be taken up to the office to be removed.  I had one come through my lane the other day, and I can’t even scan alcohol because in Indiana you have to be 19 [don’t even get me started].  So I buzzed the office as usual and had a manager come over.  And after he scanned it, he said to the lady purchasing it “let me just take your top off for you.”  It took so much effort for me not to fall over with laughter at that one.  Wording win.

Since twittah is down…

15 06 2010

We should be lovers!
& that’s a fact.

Though nothing would keep us together.

We could steal time…


This is probably the worst movie I could have chosen to become enthralled with.  At the present time.  In my present state of life.

Read the rest of this entry »


3 06 2010

What I'm about to buyHeylo, kiddos!  My mood swings are atrocious.  One moment I’m driving home from the library, wallowing along to some Ingrid Michaelson–the next I am bouncing around my room to blog and pumped to make some clothing purchases online.  I checked out Jumper and House of Flying Daggers as well as a James Dean biography.  Just for some light reading when I get noveled out.  You can call me Hermione.

Today really wasn’t that bad.  Considering how awful yesterday was especially.  Like yesterday I remembered how I don’t actually like summer.  I always think I do and I wait and wait for school to be over.  And then it is.  And then I remember what summer is for me.  Sleeping in, wasting the day.  Usually not leaving my room or getting dressed.  Which generally leads to Marion in a greasified state.  And then I get disgusted with myself, but I have no motivation to make myself presentable–mostly because it would only be for myself.  I get bored quickly as well.  I’m going to try to read and watch movies as much as possible.  & in a week or so I should be working more regularly which will give me something to do as well.  I suppose more than anything I become starved for attention.  It took me about 10 hours into summer to feel pathetically lonely.  Hello, Skype!

But today, really not all that bad.  I got a facial at noon.  Pretty sure that was the second time in my life I have gotten a facial.  It was alright.  I’m not too keen on being alone in a tiny room with someone I just met; I can never get myself to relax.  And I always manage to forget that I was hungry until I’m lying down in this quiet enclosed space.  And then every possible embarrassing noise my stomach can emit reminds me that Poptart was quite a while ago.  And I still have this whitehead on the side of my nose.  I’ve honestly considered piercing it there; it’s the perfect spot.  That’d solve that problem.  Plus, the tiny nose sparkle has always sort of appealed to me.

After that I went shopping at the grocery store with Griffin for our picnic with Amanda.  We got good crusty bread, humus, and muenster cheese for sandwiches and then Turtle break-and-bake cookie dough.  Success!  Oh hey, and we got half a watermelon and a jug of Limeade.  Such a good lunch.

I had to rewind to rewatch that wink.

3 06 2010


Of course, I’d like to

5 05 2010

Lost your sense of fear, feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagined I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart’s beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.