Heavy Boots & Hunger Pangs

2 05 2010

So I had planned on coming here today and writing about prom.  And instead I just got really sad all of a sudden.  I haven’t felt this sad in a while.  At least I know where it’s coming from.  Indiscriminate sadness is the worst.  I just feel overwhelmed and scared.  The end is near.  High school is gone, man.  I’m not going back.  I’m done.  I can’t even fail my way back.  Which I suppose is a good thing.

Endings give me heavy boots.  I never quite know what to do with myself.  It’s like some weird limbo phase I’m in.  And my life has gotten so weird — a bug just flew by and now I’m going to be paranoid for the rest of this post — with this boy that has waltzed his way into my existence.  Marion doesn’t do the boy stuff, folks.  Or if she ever did it was all super-internalized and never reciprocated.  But apparently she does the boy stuff now.  And that adds a layer to the weird.

I’m moving to Los Angeles in August.  What the hell.  I can’t reify that as of yet.  I’m going to major in Film Production.  What if I’ve lost my passion and my drive?  What if I see all these bright-eyed kids with passion and drive and I feel inadequate–or comparatively stoic?  What if I hate them all?  What if I feel like the odd one out?  I have severe anxiety about my ability to be happy.  And I’m afraid much of it stems from not knowing what I want.  I just have this terrible mental scenario of me being completely closed off and miserable.  I shouldn’t be this stressed about uni, but I am.  I wish I was excited instead of–dare I say–dreadful.

That’s what bothering me.  And money of course, but I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of blocking that out for the time being.

Remember that time I was going to talk about prom?


1 03 2010

I feel as if I float around in a detached state of consciousness lately.  I can’t decide if it’s unpleasant or not.  I’m having difficulties concentrating in general though.  My mind flies around so much.  Homework is not getting done in a timely fashion either.  It’s not really so much that I don’t want to do it, but I have myself do enough other time wasting things so I don’t have time to do it.

Is it not a secret anymore if you say you sent a secret in to Post Secret?

I get anxiety when I think about my future.  And how I want to do acting.  This Ingrid Michaelson song isn’t helping.

I wish Shawna would get home so we could work out the road trip.  I want to finalize stuff.  It’s eating away at me.  I think I’m sort of living towards it in a way too.

I’m trying to work out prom as well.  Mom has ordered a limo we’re gonna split amongst our group of eight.  I told Neal I wouldn’t take him if he was still smoking.  But then that means I have to ask someone.  And I have an idea of someone, it’s just… well we’ve sort of never talked before.  And I mean “never talked before” in the sense that I didn’t even know he existed until this semester.  We have Gov together.  And he’s nice looking and he doesn’t have a girlfriend [a rarity at my school].  You may say, well don’t make it such a big deal.  But geeze.  I mean, when you have literally never exchanged words, and his friends are the jocky/popular-if-you-could-call-it-that group, you just fret.  I don’t even have any friends that know him that could plant the hint.

I had wanted to take Jake, but he’s, what, 23?  I forget.  But if you’re bringing someone from another school you have to have a signature from their principal and a copy of their drivers license.  And as handsome and charming as cohenism is, I doubt we would get through the hoops of fraud.

Here’s something else new.  I’m not using Pierre much.  But I want to take pictures more.  So I’ve researched and fallen in love with the Canon T2i.  I have a friend at school who is going to see if her mom would front her the money to buy Pierre from me.  If not, I think I’m going to clean him up and see what I can get for him off Amazon.  I’ll be about a hundo short for the T2i then, but that is why I cashier.  I expected myself to gush more about the camera, but I can’t seem to get myself to squeeze out any emotion.  Here’s a picture someone took with the T2i on Flickr.

I’m gonna pick something from Netflix instant streaming and try to get some calculus done.