One of those days

17 09 2010

I felt stupidly alone today.  Actually I just woke up this morning in a teeny bit of a funk.  And it wasn’t even because I woke up from a dream about people from my past or being in someplace in my life before college [see how I avoid the word “home” here?  The audience reels.  There must be something wrong with her home life, they cry!].  Usually when my dreams involve that I wake up a little ehh.  But no, I don’t remember quite what of, but I know this dream had to do with my life in California.  I think I was peeved because some conversation with someone was interrupted, and I wanted to know what he was going to say next.

But yes, wake up in a funk.  Stare down at the freshman fifteen.  Sigh.  Under 40 minutes to be at my first class.  Eat a brownie for breakfast. So good.  So bad.  Depressing lunch was depressing.  Only because that particular dining hall is so dreary.  Everyone’s cracking up that it got a B on the health inspection.  And today they only had paper plates and plastic cutlery.  I heard a rumor that their dishwasher was confiscated.

Then I didn’t speak up during class and felt like my professor was eyeing me to do so.  I always think of things after the fact.  Made myself feel better by sharing froyo, but killed it by also getting a raspberry tart afterwards.  And then there was the lecture I should have skipped and feeling like my closet friend here ditched me for dinner. It’s Thursday.  We were supposed to scope out the joint for Green Shirt Guy.  Green Shirt Guy is a project of mine, although it’s still in development.

Brownie, Kudos, cookie, approaching gummies.  I should probably just go to bed.  Don’t get me wrong, I love it here.  Today was just one of those days.  I liked reading this this morning though:

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place thing or situation-some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake… unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”





Upswing

20 08 2010

So I’m snuggled under the soft sheet of my raised bed.  Got Polly, got my little IKEA lamp, and things seem good.  My window right in front of me is possibly my favorite spot in the room.  There’s a tiny window seat I can wedge myself into, that I plan on decking out with pillows.  I can see me tucking myself into that nook to read The Fountainhead and watch the occasional car putter down the street below.  Los Angeles is out my window, guys.  And I’m really happy about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared shitless.  I’m starting college for god’s sake.  There are a million things I need to be doing, and checking out, and paying for.  There are a million more things in the rapidly approaching future that will freak me out on a whole other level.  Occasionally I am overcome with fits of loneliness.  Like someone didn’t ask me to go down with them to the pancake breakfast and suddenly the entire world has it’s back to you.  My room is still a bit of a mess and I have five boxes being shipped from Indy.  I can’t find the two books of stamps my father bought for me.  Classes start Monday.  I can tell already that the freshmen15 is going to be an uphill battle.  Chocolate reserves have been initiated.  And my dinner of mushroom tortellini, stir-fried tofu, and a chocolate chip cookie at the caf upset my stomach and left me incredibly gassy for the rest of this evening.

But there are so many good moments.  I want to say so many more good moments.  Like sharing a mirror with my suitemate while I washed my face in the morning.  Slicing my banana at breakfast on the quad.  The sunshine filtering through the leaves above me at convocation.  Throngs of very attractive, potentially douchebagerous boys.  On a similar strain, hunkyhunky electric violinist.  Going to IKEA for the first time.  The cinema departmental meetings, listening to deans telling us how we’re soon going to be losing all our free time and how important failing is and only the comfortable should be scared.  I’m far from comfortable.  At the convocation, sitting next to a Minnesotan Unitarian who also loves NPR and Garrison Keillor.

I stopped by a map to see if I was headed in the right direction.  A girl was already there, talking to someone on her phone about being unable to get to the same place I was going.  So I just tapped her on the shoulder, said I was making my way to the same building, and offered to walk with her.  I can’t emphasize how important it is just to shove yourself at people.  A Marion of years past would have eyed this girl, but not spoken.  So, yeah, I was really proud of that.  And on Sunday we plan on walking our schedule together.  That’s if she can find me on facebook.  She might not know how to spell Marion [I’ve gotten Marilyn about twice].  I tried looking for her, but there are a lot of Hannah’s.

I’m on an upswing.  I really like this place right now.





New Things

21 07 2010

Would you like to know what my summer has primarily consisted of?  Apart from ending sentences with prepositions, I usually sleep in, don’t bother getting dressed [and a lot of the time not showering as well, yes “ew”], sit in my room with my bathrobe on, and putz around the internet.  You can kill time surprisingly quickly on the internet.  Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, Google Reader, email, YouTube, Dailybooth, and repeat.  I’ve been making lists for what I need to buy for uni this fall, updating my Urban Outfitters wishlist.  All the while, I try not to overeat.  Because I’m bad about eating because there is nothing else to do.  The only days I leave the house is when I have to work [about 3-4 days a week] or when I make plans with someone [about once a week].

Today I tried to be a bit better.  I showered, first of all.  Then I listened to all the This American Life episodes that had built up in my iTunes and now I’m working on sermons posted by my old unitarian church in Memphis.  Where the reverend reminded me so much of Albus Dumbledore.  With the audio in the background, I’ve gotten out a sketchbook I bought years ago, but never used, and drew my dorm room, blueprint style.  Then I plan to do a design version and a wall version so I can get a sense of how I want to arrange my magazine pages and posters.

And there’s still stuff I should be doing, and I am avoiding it and I wish I knew why.  I have a video to edit and post.  Like proooooonto, must do that today.  But I’ve also got some new video ideas, and I just haven’t been able to bring myself to produce them.  I come up with every excuse in the book:  Dad is right in the room next door / he’ll hear you talking to yourself [see, I should be WAY over that kinda thing by now, but I’m actually NOT], I’m too lazy, I haven’t showered / my hair looks like crap.  And it goes on and on.  It makes me sad.  I also need to start assessing what I’m going to be taking from my room to Los Angeles.  Which means I need to start cleaning.  And I’m a small-scale pack rat, so imagine the fun that brings out.

Pretty much what I want to do today is catch up on these sermons, continue sketching, google image search how I want to dye my hair [I’m thinking red], and order a veggie pizza for dinner.

But you, yes, you, were here for the new things.  I have had a couple firsts in the past month that I felt I should share with you.

FIRST

  • flight to LAX
  • time using a GPS car system — Mom and I wouldn’t have made it to our hotel without it
  • Chipotle burrito — & I wasn’t that impressed.  Don’t get the hype.  Bajio’s rice is better, imo.




Heavy Boots & Hunger Pangs

2 05 2010

So I had planned on coming here today and writing about prom.  And instead I just got really sad all of a sudden.  I haven’t felt this sad in a while.  At least I know where it’s coming from.  Indiscriminate sadness is the worst.  I just feel overwhelmed and scared.  The end is near.  High school is gone, man.  I’m not going back.  I’m done.  I can’t even fail my way back.  Which I suppose is a good thing.

Endings give me heavy boots.  I never quite know what to do with myself.  It’s like some weird limbo phase I’m in.  And my life has gotten so weird — a bug just flew by and now I’m going to be paranoid for the rest of this post — with this boy that has waltzed his way into my existence.  Marion doesn’t do the boy stuff, folks.  Or if she ever did it was all super-internalized and never reciprocated.  But apparently she does the boy stuff now.  And that adds a layer to the weird.

I’m moving to Los Angeles in August.  What the hell.  I can’t reify that as of yet.  I’m going to major in Film Production.  What if I’ve lost my passion and my drive?  What if I see all these bright-eyed kids with passion and drive and I feel inadequate–or comparatively stoic?  What if I hate them all?  What if I feel like the odd one out?  I have severe anxiety about my ability to be happy.  And I’m afraid much of it stems from not knowing what I want.  I just have this terrible mental scenario of me being completely closed off and miserable.  I shouldn’t be this stressed about uni, but I am.  I wish I was excited instead of–dare I say–dreadful.

That’s what bothering me.  And money of course, but I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of blocking that out for the time being.

Remember that time I was going to talk about prom?





In Which I Don’t Know

3 02 2010

Hello.  I need a cookie.  Multiple ones, I’m thinking.

Do you ever have those times when you feel like something bad has happened or is going to happen, but you’re not exactly upset about it?  Whether it just hasn’t concretely come to pass yet or it surprisingly doesn’t affect you as much as you expected it to?  It’s a weird taste you get in your mouth.  Your head can’t settle on being upset or being pleased you’re fine.  I’m in this limbo.  I don’t think it helped that I just watched the premiere of LOST, either.  That show never quite ends on an upper.

I think there are some schools that I’m not going to get in to.  And I do that thing where I tell myself that I probably won’t, but subconsciously I still think I will and I start putting eggs in woven things.  I think having been rejected from some theatre roles will help me cope.  But I still have this high-and-mighty part that’s going to be knocked off the pony.  Very soon.

But writing this out, I almost feel better.  Sometimes you have to put these things in perspective.  It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get in everywhere.  Because I’m better off going to a school who is interested in me.  If they’re not, so what.  Regardless of where I end up next fall, I’m not going to stop pursuing what I want.  It’s not even the whole “oh I’m gonna show them” mentality.  It’s more, my life doesn’t revolve around what schools reject me.  As long as I have my few close friends [you know who you are] and I still get sickeningly exhilarated on stage and my hands still sweat when I edit, I going to be good.  Really, I am.

I say all this because I feel like what I’ve been working toward my entire life is coming to fruition within the next month.  I don’t think I’ve really considered until now how incredible the “after” is going to be.





So long.

5 04 2009

Spring Break ends today.  And it ended with a bang.  Literally.  It’s thunderstorming outside.  Oh, and tomorrow forecast?  Snow.  I love spring!

See, I always wait to write these at the last minute; therefore, I am too tired to be philosophical or think of something really abstract to write about.  So then I end up writing about my day which honestly isn’t that interesting.

My sister’s birthday is tomorrow.  After going to the gym with my mom, we swung by the grocery store to pick up her birthday card.  I can be quite the hypocrite sometimes.  Like when no one got me anything until the day before my birthday, I was kind of upset.  But here I was doing the same thing.  It’s kinda bad when you expect people to care about you when you don’t care about them.

Oh, but it gets worse.  Is it just me, or has the greeting card industry gone down the toilet?  They all are either too frilly, too crude, or too sentimental.  Honestly, reading all the inside messages about sisterhood being such a special bond with secrets shared and love made me feel guilty.  And how I “respect her as a woman”?  Yeah, that exact phrase was on more than two cards.  WTH.  Do they have any idea who my sister is?  I know that I can’t possibly be the only girl on the planet who has a rotten relationship with their sister.  Maybe rotten is a little too harsh.  “Less than stellar”?  We’ll work with it.  I just felt like such a crap sister reading those cards.

I will discuss colleges eventually.  Urg.  Boo hiss.

On a side note, I started Script Frenzy today.  I’m actually surprised at how tough it is.  Um, I hope this is legal, but I am scripting New Moon.  I thought it’d be fun because then I could compare it with the actual movie in November.  But I worked on the thing for about 45 minutes and I only got two effing pages.  Yeesh.

Bedtime for the human.





Optimism.

4 04 2009

It was a tough drive.  When I drove, I sped like nobody’s business.  Seriously though.  I was Cullen-esque.  To the point where I had my mother white knuckling the door handle-y things.  I should have been pulled over.  I am actually a really tense, cautious driver, but I wanted to be out of the car and home, so when I offered to drive I felt obligated to make up the time of my mother’s pokey speed.

Dad had Indian food for us when we got home.  Granted we had to fight with him over the phone to get him to get it, but regardless, it’s good to have some paneer tikka masala after a painful day of driving.

I’ve decided that I have a love for dust motes.  Excuse me while I add that to my Facebook interests.  — Changes saved.

I try to make my titles pertain to what is going to be discussed in my blogs.  This usually means I have to sit and stew a while over what the title needs to be.  Tonight’s wasn’t too tough though.

I got home and dragged my suitcase up the back stairs and just felt empowered to do things.  To unpack.  Put away my piles of clothes.  Finish my homework so I can use the rest of tomorrow to revel in its day-dum.  It is a nice feeling.  I’ll let you know if I acted on it.

I’m supposed to talk about colleges, but I’m going to put that off.

Before I shut down Polly for the night, I’m gonna research some French music for my trip.  Please comment with any suggestions; I’d greatly appreciate it.