Heavy Boots & Hunger Pangs

2 05 2010

So I had planned on coming here today and writing about prom.  And instead I just got really sad all of a sudden.  I haven’t felt this sad in a while.  At least I know where it’s coming from.  Indiscriminate sadness is the worst.  I just feel overwhelmed and scared.  The end is near.  High school is gone, man.  I’m not going back.  I’m done.  I can’t even fail my way back.  Which I suppose is a good thing.

Endings give me heavy boots.  I never quite know what to do with myself.  It’s like some weird limbo phase I’m in.  And my life has gotten so weird — a bug just flew by and now I’m going to be paranoid for the rest of this post — with this boy that has waltzed his way into my existence.  Marion doesn’t do the boy stuff, folks.  Or if she ever did it was all super-internalized and never reciprocated.  But apparently she does the boy stuff now.  And that adds a layer to the weird.

I’m moving to Los Angeles in August.  What the hell.  I can’t reify that as of yet.  I’m going to major in Film Production.  What if I’ve lost my passion and my drive?  What if I see all these bright-eyed kids with passion and drive and I feel inadequate–or comparatively stoic?  What if I hate them all?  What if I feel like the odd one out?  I have severe anxiety about my ability to be happy.  And I’m afraid much of it stems from not knowing what I want.  I just have this terrible mental scenario of me being completely closed off and miserable.  I shouldn’t be this stressed about uni, but I am.  I wish I was excited instead of–dare I say–dreadful.

That’s what bothering me.  And money of course, but I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of blocking that out for the time being.

Remember that time I was going to talk about prom?

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