Stuff I should document

6 10 2010

Today’s my last day of being 18.  I have a giant essay due the night of my birthday.  We are neglecting this.

So there’s this kid in my film class.  And I say kid and I mean he’s probably a couple years older than me.  And I don’t even think he goes to my university, but he knows the professor or something.  Yeah, it’s weird.  I’m not really sure.  Also, I’m probably going to regret writing this later.  Because what if we become friends, then he’ll inevitably discover my marionhoney empire and thus will come across this.  But oh well.  I haven’t blogged in a while, and I figured what better than for me to give my readers some honeyjuice in exchange for my frequent absences.

Anyway, so this kid.  He had me watch his stuff for him one day while he ran to get coffee.  Insert playful banter.  Then during the screening [in this class, it’s set up as lecture then you watch a movie that reflects what was talked about] I break out my snacks:  banana nicked from the dining hall, chocolate chip cookie.  Suddenly I hear a piece of paper being ripped next to me and I see my buddy writing something down.  He passes the note to me.  I still have this note.  It’s right next to me on my desk.

You had snacks the whole time?  >:/

So what do I do?  Write back of course.

Cookies are a sacred nourishment.  I wasn’t at liberty to share.  Cough twice if you want 2/3 a banana.

Damn, I’m eloquent, n’est pas?  He wrote back “cough cough” and I slipped it to him.

Anyway, the whole thing was just nice, that’s all.  Two weeks ago he told me that he was in debt to me.  The next week he brought me water that I was too shy to ask for and then offered to get me coffee during the five minute break.

Oh, no thanks.  I’m trying to watch my cash.”

“No, no, I’ll pay for it.  I still owe you.”

I protested anyways.

Then this week.  This week, TODAY in fact.  So I’m on my way to class, thought I’d pick up a milkshake to sip on during the screening.  In my purse I also had cookies [again swiped from the dining hall] that I was bringing him.  Just remembered the other one is still in my purse.  Anyway, I get there, sit next to the girls I usually sit with and look over to my left.  There he was.  With coffee.  Two coffees.  He bought me one.  It was so nice.  But at the same time I was cursing my luck because I had been toying with the idea of asking him to get coffee afterwards.  He ended up only staying for the lecture anyway.

I can’t tell if it was just a kind gesture, in return for mine.  Or if… nahhh I’m being a girl and jumping to conclusions.  All the same.

Hm.





One of those days

17 09 2010

I felt stupidly alone today.  Actually I just woke up this morning in a teeny bit of a funk.  And it wasn’t even because I woke up from a dream about people from my past or being in someplace in my life before college [see how I avoid the word “home” here?  The audience reels.  There must be something wrong with her home life, they cry!].  Usually when my dreams involve that I wake up a little ehh.  But no, I don’t remember quite what of, but I know this dream had to do with my life in California.  I think I was peeved because some conversation with someone was interrupted, and I wanted to know what he was going to say next.

But yes, wake up in a funk.  Stare down at the freshman fifteen.  Sigh.  Under 40 minutes to be at my first class.  Eat a brownie for breakfast. So good.  So bad.  Depressing lunch was depressing.  Only because that particular dining hall is so dreary.  Everyone’s cracking up that it got a B on the health inspection.  And today they only had paper plates and plastic cutlery.  I heard a rumor that their dishwasher was confiscated.

Then I didn’t speak up during class and felt like my professor was eyeing me to do so.  I always think of things after the fact.  Made myself feel better by sharing froyo, but killed it by also getting a raspberry tart afterwards.  And then there was the lecture I should have skipped and feeling like my closet friend here ditched me for dinner. It’s Thursday.  We were supposed to scope out the joint for Green Shirt Guy.  Green Shirt Guy is a project of mine, although it’s still in development.

Brownie, Kudos, cookie, approaching gummies.  I should probably just go to bed.  Don’t get me wrong, I love it here.  Today was just one of those days.  I liked reading this this morning though:

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place thing or situation-some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake… unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.”





Upswing

20 08 2010

So I’m snuggled under the soft sheet of my raised bed.  Got Polly, got my little IKEA lamp, and things seem good.  My window right in front of me is possibly my favorite spot in the room.  There’s a tiny window seat I can wedge myself into, that I plan on decking out with pillows.  I can see me tucking myself into that nook to read The Fountainhead and watch the occasional car putter down the street below.  Los Angeles is out my window, guys.  And I’m really happy about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared shitless.  I’m starting college for god’s sake.  There are a million things I need to be doing, and checking out, and paying for.  There are a million more things in the rapidly approaching future that will freak me out on a whole other level.  Occasionally I am overcome with fits of loneliness.  Like someone didn’t ask me to go down with them to the pancake breakfast and suddenly the entire world has it’s back to you.  My room is still a bit of a mess and I have five boxes being shipped from Indy.  I can’t find the two books of stamps my father bought for me.  Classes start Monday.  I can tell already that the freshmen15 is going to be an uphill battle.  Chocolate reserves have been initiated.  And my dinner of mushroom tortellini, stir-fried tofu, and a chocolate chip cookie at the caf upset my stomach and left me incredibly gassy for the rest of this evening.

But there are so many good moments.  I want to say so many more good moments.  Like sharing a mirror with my suitemate while I washed my face in the morning.  Slicing my banana at breakfast on the quad.  The sunshine filtering through the leaves above me at convocation.  Throngs of very attractive, potentially douchebagerous boys.  On a similar strain, hunkyhunky electric violinist.  Going to IKEA for the first time.  The cinema departmental meetings, listening to deans telling us how we’re soon going to be losing all our free time and how important failing is and only the comfortable should be scared.  I’m far from comfortable.  At the convocation, sitting next to a Minnesotan Unitarian who also loves NPR and Garrison Keillor.

I stopped by a map to see if I was headed in the right direction.  A girl was already there, talking to someone on her phone about being unable to get to the same place I was going.  So I just tapped her on the shoulder, said I was making my way to the same building, and offered to walk with her.  I can’t emphasize how important it is just to shove yourself at people.  A Marion of years past would have eyed this girl, but not spoken.  So, yeah, I was really proud of that.  And on Sunday we plan on walking our schedule together.  That’s if she can find me on facebook.  She might not know how to spell Marion [I’ve gotten Marilyn about twice].  I tried looking for her, but there are a lot of Hannah’s.

I’m on an upswing.  I really like this place right now.





New Things

21 07 2010

Would you like to know what my summer has primarily consisted of?  Apart from ending sentences with prepositions, I usually sleep in, don’t bother getting dressed [and a lot of the time not showering as well, yes “ew”], sit in my room with my bathrobe on, and putz around the internet.  You can kill time surprisingly quickly on the internet.  Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, Google Reader, email, YouTube, Dailybooth, and repeat.  I’ve been making lists for what I need to buy for uni this fall, updating my Urban Outfitters wishlist.  All the while, I try not to overeat.  Because I’m bad about eating because there is nothing else to do.  The only days I leave the house is when I have to work [about 3-4 days a week] or when I make plans with someone [about once a week].

Today I tried to be a bit better.  I showered, first of all.  Then I listened to all the This American Life episodes that had built up in my iTunes and now I’m working on sermons posted by my old unitarian church in Memphis.  Where the reverend reminded me so much of Albus Dumbledore.  With the audio in the background, I’ve gotten out a sketchbook I bought years ago, but never used, and drew my dorm room, blueprint style.  Then I plan to do a design version and a wall version so I can get a sense of how I want to arrange my magazine pages and posters.

And there’s still stuff I should be doing, and I am avoiding it and I wish I knew why.  I have a video to edit and post.  Like proooooonto, must do that today.  But I’ve also got some new video ideas, and I just haven’t been able to bring myself to produce them.  I come up with every excuse in the book:  Dad is right in the room next door / he’ll hear you talking to yourself [see, I should be WAY over that kinda thing by now, but I’m actually NOT], I’m too lazy, I haven’t showered / my hair looks like crap.  And it goes on and on.  It makes me sad.  I also need to start assessing what I’m going to be taking from my room to Los Angeles.  Which means I need to start cleaning.  And I’m a small-scale pack rat, so imagine the fun that brings out.

Pretty much what I want to do today is catch up on these sermons, continue sketching, google image search how I want to dye my hair [I’m thinking red], and order a veggie pizza for dinner.

But you, yes, you, were here for the new things.  I have had a couple firsts in the past month that I felt I should share with you.

FIRST

  • flight to LAX
  • time using a GPS car system — Mom and I wouldn’t have made it to our hotel without it
  • Chipotle burrito — & I wasn’t that impressed.  Don’t get the hype.  Bajio’s rice is better, imo.




Heavy Boots & Hunger Pangs

2 05 2010

So I had planned on coming here today and writing about prom.  And instead I just got really sad all of a sudden.  I haven’t felt this sad in a while.  At least I know where it’s coming from.  Indiscriminate sadness is the worst.  I just feel overwhelmed and scared.  The end is near.  High school is gone, man.  I’m not going back.  I’m done.  I can’t even fail my way back.  Which I suppose is a good thing.

Endings give me heavy boots.  I never quite know what to do with myself.  It’s like some weird limbo phase I’m in.  And my life has gotten so weird — a bug just flew by and now I’m going to be paranoid for the rest of this post — with this boy that has waltzed his way into my existence.  Marion doesn’t do the boy stuff, folks.  Or if she ever did it was all super-internalized and never reciprocated.  But apparently she does the boy stuff now.  And that adds a layer to the weird.

I’m moving to Los Angeles in August.  What the hell.  I can’t reify that as of yet.  I’m going to major in Film Production.  What if I’ve lost my passion and my drive?  What if I see all these bright-eyed kids with passion and drive and I feel inadequate–or comparatively stoic?  What if I hate them all?  What if I feel like the odd one out?  I have severe anxiety about my ability to be happy.  And I’m afraid much of it stems from not knowing what I want.  I just have this terrible mental scenario of me being completely closed off and miserable.  I shouldn’t be this stressed about uni, but I am.  I wish I was excited instead of–dare I say–dreadful.

That’s what bothering me.  And money of course, but I’m lucky enough to have the luxury of blocking that out for the time being.

Remember that time I was going to talk about prom?